Conrad Nolan Smith

I would find it hard to believe if someone told me that the road to motherhood is easy. Even if you have a perfectly normal pregnancy, with zero morning sickness, you still have aches and pains of a growing body, the pain of delivery and recovery, and so much more.

Now I never expected my road to motherhood to be easy, but I also did not expect it to take such a drastic turn. For the most part my life has fit nicely in with what most people consider 'normal', so I never had any inkling whatsoever that my pregnancy would be anything but normal.

One of the many things I have learned through all this is that when we least expect something to happen is precisely when we should be ready for anything.

To make a long story short, on Saturday January 13, I was admitted to the hospital after going in for some minor bleeding. Honestly, that morning before heading to the hospital I thought I was being overly cautious and did not really need to go see anyone. Even though my bleeding did not appear to be out of the ordinary, it signaled something so much worse.

The next morning, my membranes ruptured, which basically means that my water broke. Generally, when a woman's water breaks, this is a signal that labor and delivery are eminent so I began to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable. The earliest anyone has ever been born and survived is 23 weeks. Because I was only 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant I knew that baby was not going to make it.

Preparing to be a first time parent, I have slowly been getting used to the changes that would occur after baby was born. At about 20 weeks I was finally starting to show a little, making my pregnancy so much more real. With each movement I got to feel my baby became more of a real person to me. Who was my little baby going to be? What was he going to look like? Was he going to be as sassy as his movements suggested he would be?

So, that Saturday morning, believing that I was going to lose my baby and there was nothing I could do about it, was perhaps one of the worst feelings ever. However, through it all I was able to find peace, because I knew that he was going to be mine forever thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ and the sealing power of the priesthood. I felt peace and gratitude for the time that I got to carry my little boy inside of me, knowing that even if he only lived for a few minutes he would have fulfilled his purpose here on earth.

However, that was not the end of the story. By a miracle, my membranes had not ruptured entirely. They were partially intact, and slowly leaking. I did not deliver my boy that day and each day that I continue to keep our baby inside of me, he gets a better chance of survival outside of the womb. Basically, I am in the hospital until I deliver.

Right now, things are still touch and go. As my nurses have said "[I] am a ticking time bomb", meaning that at any moment, I can go into labor. It really is just a matter of time. I am only 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant as of today, and ideally I need to get to at least 24 weeks to really give a chance for my baby.

I am taking it a day at a time. I am terrified yet hopeful, because at the end of it all I know that what happens is in the hands of the Lord. I feel immensely blessed right now, so many people have come out with their love and support. I know there have been many prayers in our behalf and I could not begin to express my gratitude for all the love we have felt.

Truly, I have only been able to get through this because I know that God lives and that He loves me. I know that He has a plan for me and for my family. In the long run, this is just a blip in the grand scheme of things and just like everything else, this too shall pass.

This scripture has given me the most comfort the last couple of days...

"If they live here let them live unto me; and if they die let them die unto me; for they shall rest from all their labors here, and shall continue their works.

Therefore, let my servant[s] put [their] trust in me, and cease to fear concerning [their] family, because of the sickness of the land. If ye love me, keep my commandments; and the sickness of the land shall redound to your glory."

                                                                                             - Doctrine & Covenants 124: 86-87