No longer wise
Soon my wisdom will be extracted from my body. 7ish hours as of right now (12:45am), obviously much sooner or in the distant past, depending on when you read this. For me, it's about 7ish hours, though. I cannot sleep, thus I write.
Nothing exciting has really happened since I last posted. I started a new blogishy type thing that's new and also slightly annoying, you can check, check, check it out here. See, nifty and kind of annoying.
Okay, so I fibbed a little. Some stuff has happened since I last wrote. I've purchased some thrifty and on sale skirts. Score! Or as fans of Arrested Development might say, 'Steve Holt'!
Okay, okay, okay. I've done more exciting things since I last posted. Fine. Maybe 'exciting' wasn't the best word to describe my experiences as of late.
I've gone a little awol on my BYU pallies this week. Sometimes you just need a little space. But I'm not really sure how to get back from having that space. I'm bad at interacting with people at times, its who I am.
This week I needed space because I was having waves of mission doubts like none other. Much of it came because I felt like I was missing out on a lot of stuff down in P-town (Provo, yeah I know, P-town makes me giggle too).
I began to question why I was serving a mission. Was I just 'jumping on the bandwagon'? Did I really want to serve for the right reasons? Was a mission even right for me? Was I really supposed to go?
And then I got frustrated with myself because 'how could I do this [this being putting in my papers] when I wasn't even 100% positive that serving a mission was right for me'.
Confusion promptly came at this point, which was also promptly fed by comparison. (If you would like to read a lovely blog post about comparison, specifically in relationships click here.)
After talking to a couple friends and reading countless amount of accounts of other future sisters' experiences preparing to serve a mission I felt like something was wrong with me. I wasn't having nearly the same experiences as they were and I thought 'maybe because I'm not having the same successes they are, the same trials, and the same gusto, maybe I'm not really cut out for missionary work'.
With all my self doubt and confusion in place, I did the worst possible thing ever. I shut the spirit out. There I was surrounded by reminders of my mission, church magazines, and the ever-available option to pray and I shut it out. I was afraid. I was terrified that maybe I would be told that I'm not supposed to serve a mission. That all the time, effort and money that had already been put in was a waste. A waste because I hadn't taken the time to really seek an answer from God.
So that day was terrible. I got a little snippy with my mom and I wanted to give up; become a hermit. But, I knew I had to receive an answer eventually. And, eventually, I prayed. No, no my answer did not come all at once. No, it wasn't a resounding yes or no. However, my answer came.
My answer came with reminders of myself wanting to serve a mission since I was little, keeping it a secret because I wanted to be like my sister, who didn't want to serve a mission.
My answer came with a memory of myself saying to a friend in high school, 'what if there are people out there waiting for me to find them'.
My answer came with renewed happiness and peace.
Most importantly, my answer came knowing I cannot compare my experience to others'. We are all so different and we all have different weaknesses. Thus, we will all be attacked spiritually in different ways. Even though I am not within one standard deviation of the normal curve, I still fit under the curve. I am still a child of God. My journey is personal and for myself, so its okay if my not doing the same thing as everyone else.
Sometimes, I find it hard to talk about these things with other people. Its like I have a wall built in my head that makes it hard to do so. I don't want to disappoint my mom with my doubts and my close friends are in different spots in their lives so it feels like they don't really understand, plus who wants to listen to someone's constant woes? Unless you're a therapist, then its kind of your job.
Long story short, that's why I've been a little awol lately.
Goodness it's late. Now I only have 6ish hours until I lose my wisdom and only 40 days until I leave. Not to cut off awkwardly or anything like that, but i'm tired and I still have to read my scriptures. Goodnight. Stay brave, my dear ones. No matter how hopeless something seems, there is hope somewhere. Sometimes it's a little hard to see and you need to put forth some effort, but it is there.
Oh, if you're still unsure at this point [because I wasn't really clear, but that's what you get for late night blogging], I'm still going on a mission and I couldn't feel better about a decision in my life right now.
With love,
Carolina
Nothing exciting has really happened since I last posted. I started a new blogishy type thing that's new and also slightly annoying, you can check, check, check it out here. See, nifty and kind of annoying.
Okay, so I fibbed a little. Some stuff has happened since I last wrote. I've purchased some thrifty and on sale skirts. Score! Or as fans of Arrested Development might say, 'Steve Holt'!
Okay, okay, okay. I've done more exciting things since I last posted. Fine. Maybe 'exciting' wasn't the best word to describe my experiences as of late.
I've gone a little awol on my BYU pallies this week. Sometimes you just need a little space. But I'm not really sure how to get back from having that space. I'm bad at interacting with people at times, its who I am.
This week I needed space because I was having waves of mission doubts like none other. Much of it came because I felt like I was missing out on a lot of stuff down in P-town (Provo, yeah I know, P-town makes me giggle too).
I began to question why I was serving a mission. Was I just 'jumping on the bandwagon'? Did I really want to serve for the right reasons? Was a mission even right for me? Was I really supposed to go?
And then I got frustrated with myself because 'how could I do this [this being putting in my papers] when I wasn't even 100% positive that serving a mission was right for me'.
Confusion promptly came at this point, which was also promptly fed by comparison. (If you would like to read a lovely blog post about comparison, specifically in relationships click here.)
After talking to a couple friends and reading countless amount of accounts of other future sisters' experiences preparing to serve a mission I felt like something was wrong with me. I wasn't having nearly the same experiences as they were and I thought 'maybe because I'm not having the same successes they are, the same trials, and the same gusto, maybe I'm not really cut out for missionary work'.
With all my self doubt and confusion in place, I did the worst possible thing ever. I shut the spirit out. There I was surrounded by reminders of my mission, church magazines, and the ever-available option to pray and I shut it out. I was afraid. I was terrified that maybe I would be told that I'm not supposed to serve a mission. That all the time, effort and money that had already been put in was a waste. A waste because I hadn't taken the time to really seek an answer from God.
So that day was terrible. I got a little snippy with my mom and I wanted to give up; become a hermit. But, I knew I had to receive an answer eventually. And, eventually, I prayed. No, no my answer did not come all at once. No, it wasn't a resounding yes or no. However, my answer came.
My answer came with reminders of myself wanting to serve a mission since I was little, keeping it a secret because I wanted to be like my sister, who didn't want to serve a mission.
My answer came with a memory of myself saying to a friend in high school, 'what if there are people out there waiting for me to find them'.
My answer came with renewed happiness and peace.
Most importantly, my answer came knowing I cannot compare my experience to others'. We are all so different and we all have different weaknesses. Thus, we will all be attacked spiritually in different ways. Even though I am not within one standard deviation of the normal curve, I still fit under the curve. I am still a child of God. My journey is personal and for myself, so its okay if my not doing the same thing as everyone else.
Sometimes, I find it hard to talk about these things with other people. Its like I have a wall built in my head that makes it hard to do so. I don't want to disappoint my mom with my doubts and my close friends are in different spots in their lives so it feels like they don't really understand, plus who wants to listen to someone's constant woes? Unless you're a therapist, then its kind of your job.
Long story short, that's why I've been a little awol lately.
Goodness it's late. Now I only have 6ish hours until I lose my wisdom and only 40 days until I leave. Not to cut off awkwardly or anything like that, but i'm tired and I still have to read my scriptures. Goodnight. Stay brave, my dear ones. No matter how hopeless something seems, there is hope somewhere. Sometimes it's a little hard to see and you need to put forth some effort, but it is there.
Oh, if you're still unsure at this point [because I wasn't really clear, but that's what you get for late night blogging], I'm still going on a mission and I couldn't feel better about a decision in my life right now.
With love,
Carolina
If nothing else motivates you, remember this: YOU'RE GOING TO PERU!!!! I think the main thing to remember is that you will be blessing people's lives and they will bless yours. Not just with religion, not just with spirituality, but mostly with humanity. Which really makes you realize how great being a human is.
ReplyDelete(And trust me, P-country is a billion times better than P-town. No one can argue with that).
You're comments are always my favorite, thank you for your encouragement and for your friendship. I feel blessed to read your insights on life and to share the beautiful experience of Peru!
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